February Notes

February was such a good month for me in spite of the fact that I am having a hard time listing down the reasons as to why, seeing that the one thing I started towards the end of the month that I am most excited about since then has overridden all my sensibilities and focus that it is all I could think of right now. Regardless, it was a good month, I am sure of it! And I am so happy.

Memoirs: First Experience with Film Photography

There was a whole year where I used to bring a film camera everywhere I went.

I did not have my DSLR camera yet (and I immensely wished to have one) nor did I have a phone, or any gadget for that matter, with a nice camera. I only worked with a Canon point-and-shoot digital camera that our family owned and I took photos of almost every little thing with it. At that time, photography was my main art form, my way of self-expression, and my hobby along with sharing the photos I took on my Tumblr blog. Actually, the two things came hand in hand. I took photos to blog and I blogged to take photos.

Anyway, around that time, film photography suddenly became a trend at the small community of bloggers I was part of on Tumblr. Of course, being who I was—curious and hyper fixated—I dug out an old film camera from the depths of my family’s vault of abandoned and forgotten things and tried out film photography myself and from then on, I invested the little of my savings from my allowance on my new found hobby and brought along my film camera everywhere.

Palette: 01
Palette: 01
Palette: 02
in which my existentialism fully takes over and trouble you with ramblings

I never liked the first days of school. Well, I never liked school in general, particularly the part wherein having to wake up early for it, but that’s beside the point. I never liked first days of school because I know that they usually entail a lot of self-introductions and I never really liked those, not even a little bit. Speaking in front of classmates was fine as my school made sure of it but not knowing how and what to introduce about yourself makes the supposedly simple task of self-introduction, of saying hello very hard.

The root of all this, I realized years ago, is from my lack of any grasp of understanding about any part of myself, my identity.

Who are you? I never have anything to answer. I am always unable to verbalize anything, even mere little things about myself that would be remotely interesting as required to plant a good first impression. The question has always been so daunting for me even when I was younger. And it became increasingly more unnerving when I reached college and some teachers (still) individually asked us, their students, to stand up in class for self-introductions. At one point, I started asking myself why a touch personally invasive questions that seem, at least for me, to require reflecting on a lifetime worth of choices to formulate an answer would be a good baseline for self-introductions. Why did you choose your current study? What are your plans for the future that made you choose your course? My overthinking, perhaps a bit obsessive, existentialist is shaking.

Then, she ran for the hills.

It is also a fact that creating an ‘About’ page as some sort of obligatory introduction for my blog takes me ages to write and I am not really confident nor comfortable with the result, to be honest. Comparatively, an icing on the cake, I remain dreading birthdays. Birthdays, where clocks—biological and societal—seem to be very real and are ticking loudly, where the demons are raging wilder than usual, and the crisis that I could usually silence with a cloak of denial and a high wall built of hyper fixations screams louder for attention.

But, last year, I tried to combat my fear of self-introductions. With a rarely occurring sense of bravery inspired when I first listened to, now, one of my favorite songs ‘Palette’ by IU, I spent my anxiety ridden countdown to my 25th birthday trying to curve my existentialism down. I gallantry stepped into the metaphorical ring and fought one of my many, yet certainly mightier than the rest, demon named ‘Identity Crisis’ (but, I call said crisis ‘Leo’ for some reason—don’t ask), let everything be damned and all.

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